= faith test =

Been wondering the past few days why the "foul mood" esp when jing said i was troubled.. i thought for a long time... i told her i wasnt because i really thought i wasnt!! But i still relied on chocs on Friday.. after much thought.. i realised i'm subcounciously troubled. Because today when i gave my future some thought on the long bus ride hm... yup. i'm stuck in another trial...and i'm stuggling in His silence.. i just really cANT explain how lost the feeling is. Desperately trying to listen up for signs..but yet nothing. Its not like i dont put my trust in Him but i guess it came to point that i feel the fustruation settling in. To a pt that i feel so vulnerable to external attacks. Yes i understand its a v good opportunity for mr devil to attack, because once again i feel myself argueing internally. yup, its another test of my faith. suddenly i remember what sl said about opening up and not bottle up and i said it needs the right person at the right time. yup, its a subconscious worry because i subconcious bottle it down.. maybe cos i feel ranting about it, crying about it seems to be a sign of not trusting God. then, i'm back to bottling them down... I guess one day when it bottles to the brim... it makes one more vulnerable. and i can feel it near the rim now. As May draw nearer, i start worrying more. So tired of checking my letterbox or waiting for calls.... Patience in His silence... i really fear that i'm losing patience... *Faith test*.... perserve....

*erm ya.. supposed to post fel's pic and ser's birthday.. but .. dont think i'm in the mood at present.. kiv k? * ......... *deep in thoughts*